Nice One: Captan Hadsome Fans Respect Art

Don't Know who Bryn is but we like your style!

I just noticed for the first time the face of the lady/man on the picture. Yeesh. Looks like Bryn had a few drinks first. Nice Rack though.

Handsome's Walkin Song of the Week: Neil Goes To Astoria

So lately I have been listening to music while cruising around the apple. I know it doesn't sound revolutionary or anything but to me it is. There is nothing better than cruising down the street listening to a great mix of music. Anyhow, this was one of my first great moments. Every week I seem to have one, so I will continually post my padestrial soundtrack.

Location: Walking down Hoyt Ave. in Astora, Queens.
Setting: Cold as balls around 10 pm December 1st, 2005
Mindset: Cronotonned

I had just left my friends house and was in a particularly jovial mood. The two blizzaz that we took to the head definatly had something to do with it. So I was walking back down Hoyt Ave. towards the Ditmars Ave. Subway stop. It is a particularly hard walk when you are all cronotonned up becaue you have to walk down this long long avenue and can see the subway stop many blocks ahead of you. At this time of night, if you miss the train you know what is instore. Freezing your blocks off on the windy ass elevated subway platform for about 25 minutes. So usually I am walking fast as shit, sweating bullets that I will see the goddamned train flying by. It really is a bad feeling. Anyhow, this particlar night I was cruizing at my particular hurried gait when the song hit. "Don't Cry No Tears" by Neil Young. I had always been a fan but Scampy helped me dust this one off a few weeks earlier. I had a mix of 1,000 songs or so on and this one came on at this moment. Walking down Hoyt avenue I felt my pace slow, my mood peak, and a small smirk found its way onto Capt. Handsome's Face. Don't Cry... was the perfect song for the moment. I really took in the Triboro Bridge running next to me. The burned out car on the side of the road. The scary latino guy about to cross to my side of the street. It was really a great feeling of comforty and cronoliscious relaxation. The second the song ended I saw the train pulling up to the station about 4 blocks away. I didn't even care and ended up on that goddamn platform for the allotted 20 minutes. Somehow I didn't care. It wasn't that bad. So I missed my train.....Don't Cry No Tears Around Me.

LYRICS "Don't Cry No Tears"

-Neil Young and CRAZY HORSE

Album: Zuma

Don't cry no tears around me

Don't cry no tears around me

'Cause when all the water's gone

The feeling lingers on

Old true love

ain't too hard to see

Don't cry no tears around me

=====================

Well I wonder

who's with her tonight?

And I wonder

who's holding her tight?

But there's nothing I can say

To make him go away

Old true love

ain't too hard to see

Don't cry no tears around me

=====================

There's nothing I can say

To make him go away

Old true love

ain't too hard to see

Don't cry no tears around me

Don't cry no tears around me

=====================<

---now go have a listen bitches

Captain Handsome's Drink Review: Sparks

Going out tonight? Want a redbull to get started? No you don't, you want a Sparks. Sparks was created when a dirty 40 of Old English fucked himself the hottest little can of redbull he could find. The result is a powerful energy drink that will also get you drunk. Damn Straight. I first found Sparks with Spalding back at JMU during our seniour year. He was so excited "look, look! it has 6% alcohol and energy stuff" he shouts as he runs out of the 7-11 with a bagfull. We race home and crack our first Sparks and look at each other with approving grins. You know those days when your friend/roommate calls to you and asks "Are you ready to start drinking again?". Usually you think, F'that. Now you can happily say "Yes" and be closer to the pleasureful esteem giving feeling of Drunk. It is the ultimate in hangover boozin' or early night motivation. Here are the vital stats.

• Flavor: Think mild orange soda. It has a smooth flavor that goes down nice n' easy. Sparks is lightly carbonated for a smooth finish.
• Color/Clarity: Never ever look at your sparks drink. Drink exclusivly from the provided can and never pour into a glass. Sparks has the same green tint as the chemical pool that The Joker falls into in the first Batman.
• Booze: 6% alcohol. This is a powerful drink ladies and gentlemen. Think, normal beer is around 3.5% alcohol. So don't think panzy drink when you taste it. 6% dude.
• Other Ingrediants: Caffine. Sweet Caffine. Taurine - Principle Free Intercellular Amino Acid found in human tissue. Malt - beer broth brewed by black dudes with afro's
• Presentation: Large 16 oz silver can. Feels good in the hand. Again, slightly larger to avoid any declaration as a girls drink.
• Finish: Howlin Growlin' and ready to go! Drunk

I happen to love starting the night with a few Sparks but must warn you. Never drink more than 2 Sparks at one time. Drink your two as fast as you can then move on to whatever. Pounding two will give you a buzz. Leave it at that or your stomach will be in hyper drive and eventually you will poop yourself. Thats all I gotta say about Sparks.

Visit www.sparks.com

HOWARD'ED:The Story of the Urban Iccarus

The bright lights. Big City. The excitement of broadway. The late nights on The Lower East Side. Vodka Slice @ Pomadoro. Cab rides at 5 am. This is why so many people make the decision to move to America's greatest city. New York City. It's got everything, and if you like to party this is the place for you. You would think. So did I. So did.......lets just call him..... Iccarus. 1 Big City, 2 Old Friends, 6 long days. Happy Reading

For starters. lets define HOWARD'ED. Soimetimes there's a man. A man that can do things that the common man cannot do. Captain Handsome himself has gone up against this man.....and lost. Jersey Karl hase gone up against this man.....and lost. This man! We will call him"Howard". What does partying late mean to you? 4am? 5am? Sunrise? Well if you are Howard it could be 3 - 4 days later.
HOWARD'ED adv. (how-wur-did) 1. To have seen mulitple sun rising/falling events during one span of partying 2. To have abused more than 2 substances simultaneously for a minimum of 12 hours 3. To suffer a skull splitting hangover which includes, 12+ hours of sleep, mood swings, inability to move from a couch, self esteem loss, and bank account insecurity. 4. To make good fucking stories.

A year in the making. Iccarus was finally going to move up to NYC after well over a year of planning, phone calls and excited hypothacysing of events. I could have not been more excited for one of my best friends to move in with me in NYC. The plan was to live on my couch for a month then find a new apartment to move into with "Howard".

Day 1: I picked up the excited Iccarus from Port Authority at 8pm last Monday night. Bags in hand, smile wrapped around his face, and a twinkle of excitement in his eye. We went home, settled in and were back out for a welcome mexican dinner. $3 margaritas were in order so off to a quick start with the booze. After a few it was off to the local Irish Pub for some "Big Buck Hunter 2" and some brews. Captain Handsome won a decided victory over Iccarus while hunting in the "Deep South" on Buck Hunter. Went home and kissed some kittens for a end to a mild first night in NYC.

Day 2: Tonight one of Iccarus's other friends (Faddy) comes to visit and do some NYC Partying. Night starts with a few Sparks, it is basically redbull with 6% alcohol. I might have to do a piece on sparks alone......more to come on that one. We head down to ------< 's apartment and continue to drink. Really drink. It is then that we get a call. A call from Howard. The beginning of the end for Iccarus. Howard comes by and is immediatly hounded by Iccarus to hook up the "lamma ding dong". Howard hesitates but gives in promptly. We kiss some more kittens, drink more and start to act a bit belligerent. The lamma gets there and up we go. Our destination is "Dukes" which is Howard's common "Killing fields". We get really destroyed, make fools of ourselves yapping to the other local's gathered in dukes (who now hate us) . Out we go, Howard knows of a Band. We are off to a bad start. Snakes starts chatting to these girls that in no way want to talk to Snakes (have no clue why, just nyc bitches i guess). So what does she do, she walkes away then runs back and starts dancing like a fool right in front of them. Meanwhile the band has stopped playing and Iccarus and Faddy is telling them he is a Producer in Hawaii and can get them all gigs out there. The band eats it up and you should have seen the excitememnt in their eyes. Fast forward 2 hours. It's 2 am and Iccarus is going home. He tries to flag down some Japanese "escorts" coming out of one of my neighborhood Japanese Brothel's. Then tries to get into the club asking the bouncer "Are there prostitutes in there?" He is quickly ushered away. They end up at the worst bar in the world "Clancy's". Of course they befried the only other two guys in the bar. Shots. Ryan states that he has the best cats in the city and offers his new friend to come back to the apartment to kiss them. He agrees. At my place Faddy begins to get a little insane and starts thinking the new guy is stealing from them. He goes to the bathroom and calls Iccarus and starts talking about what a shithead this guy was and how they had to get rid of them. Of course this guy hears this and flipps out yelling at the confused Iccarus. He says fuck you guys and tries to leave. Faddy follows him out and starts yelling "I will choke you" at the new friend. Fight almost ensues but flounders. The night ends at about 5am. Glad the maniacs were at my apt. unsupervised. It gets worse. This is where night 3 would just pick up steam.

Day 3: The night that Howard first kills Iccaus. Iccarus is whasted at 5pm as I return from work. He is really drunk. He tries to show me how drunk he is and grabbs a bottle of Grappa and starts to chug. He immediatly does what us veteran drinkers refer to as "projectile vomit" all over my kitchen. Wow, what a treat. Thanks Iccarus. After this he settles down. We go to dinner without much incident a few hours later. After dinner we have a few drinks and I head out because fuckin' work starts at 6am. Iccarus is just getting started. He has a few then heads down to the East Village to meet Howard. If this was the true story of Iccarus, right about now he is puttin' on his wings to fly. They meet up and the rooster is acquired. Cockadoodle doo time to drink until the sun rises. Standard stuff, gettin wasted, visitin the lovely bathrooms of nyc and having a good ole time. Right about now Howard does his worst. Hey I can get some chocolates. For the reader to know, Iccarus has sworn off chocolate for the past two years. However, after the rooster and old lady drink, Iccarus is talked into the inevitable distruction that he will become. I don't know the full story from here, you'll have to ask him, but I call arond 1pm from work to see if he has woken up yet. Oh boy, I wasn't ready for this. Iccarus was still up. He was up and hiding in my apt. It seems the cruel New York City has taken its toll. I find Iccarus in a partially paranoid, worried, and space cake state. The fucker is still up, and out of his mind. I tell him to sit tight till I get home and ask him to try to sleep.
- Ever see a person with no Seratonin left in their body. It is not a pretty sight. I come home to find the highly depressed, no emotion, wreck we call Iccarus. He has spent the day wondering why his life is so wrong. "Oh shit, not this" I think. The captain has been there and it is not a fun place. Mr. Iccarus spent the next 17 hours on my couch searching his soul and ass for the meaning of his existance. Poor bastard. Damn Howard. I attemt to bring life, but it is no use. Iccarus is in the hole...........Watch out Iccarus, don't fly too high. Your wings will melt..........

Day 4
Iccarus in the hole. He does nothing. Accept of course detail everything he has ever done and hate it. Poor Bastard.

Day 5
Iccarus is back. His body has replenished hits happy juice. Thank god. Iccarus is still wary of his new NYC surroundings. However, Karl Denson is playing tonight and there is no room for fucking around. We get some beers back in him and things seem norma. The rooster also comes crowing. Ackilee's heel, welcome back. This time I am to blame. We do denson. Kinda fun but the basterd cuts it short for a newly announced late show. We go to the LES to get blasted. Piano and Nice Guy Eddies are where we spend our time. We get hammered as a cat in a cow store. Head home and the proliferation of the Rooster ensues. Iccaurs and I proceed to watch a surf dvd, a ski movie twice, and finally end with an early morning, sun rise greeting of Bittersweet Motel. Ahhh the old days. Finally at 8am I go to sleep. I wake up to find Iccarus still up with a baffled pale look on his face. "I owe you $20. I finished the rooster". The man has not slept yet. Wow.

Day 6:
Iccarus spends another day on the couch. Does absolutly nothing. Atta boy.

Day 7:
I go for food and come back to find Iccarus packing. "Where you going, whats up" I ask.
"This place will kill me. I can't do it...... Sorry Man. Sam bought me a bus ticket home" 1 hour later Iccarus was gone from the city. Almost made it a full week.

There are several lessons to learn here. Howard is a beast and will take you to the ends of your personal abilities and further. Be prepaired for this. Iccarus is a man of substance. He always was and always will be. By substance I mean substance abuse. He saw that New York for him would be like sending Robert Downy Jr. to Bonnaroo. Like sending Viktor to Thailand. Different story don't ask, just believe me. That is the tale of Iccarus. He was supposed to be moving in with me and Howard. The poor bastard was howard'ed. Howard is a tough bitch and will kill even the best / most experienced partier's. It took one night out and Iccarus was tought a very important lesson. When you are flying with wings of feathers and glue you just can't fly too close to the sun or Howard will kill you. Iccarus met his match with Howard. Iccarus fell hard into the ocean. Enjoy Annapolis bitch. You will me greatly missed.

Here he is on the couch of thoughs. God bless'em.

Iccarus